If Halloumi was single and it had an online dating profile, it would probably say, "Hi, I'm a cheese from Cyprus. My friends describe me as salty, crispy, chewy, and squeaky."
And it'd be true: Halloumi is all of those delightful things, which is lucky because it isn't exactly pretty. Typically packaged in shrink wrap and slapped with a text-heavy label ("The Grilling Cheese of Cyprus!" or "The taste of tradition!"), it looks more like a misshapen block of tofu than an exotic imported cheese.
You should know, before you get all judgmental, that Halloumi is actually a heavily regulated cheese, required to meet standards and certifications much like its fancy French friends. Nonetheless, you'll find it at hanging out in the fluorescent harshness of the milk and yogurt section of your local cheese shop, not the posh, temperature-controlled display case where those little turds of ash-covered goat cheese luxuriate.
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